Ethic Soup

Words 'Oral Sex' Cause Dictionary to be Banned in California Schoool District

Operator

Give me information

Information

Give me long distance

Long distance

Give me heaven...

 

Operator

Information

Give me Webster on the line

 

I CAN HEAR the Manhattan Transfer singers in my head, calling for Webster. Noah that is, the dictionary guy, the lexicographer. However, he may be busy -- turning over. 

It made headlines all over the world. Just about one week ago in California, the unthinkable happened. The Menifee Union School District decided that the   Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary was unfit for young eyes and it yanked all copies from the shelves of its elementary schools.

Some said a phrase in the dictionary found by an inquisitive student was nasty, racy. The school district called it "age-inappropriate."

LOOK IT UP 

The words were: "oral sex." The definition: "oral stimulation of the genitals." 

Halloween, Lawyers and a Haunted House

  IT'S ONLY 24 DAYS UNTIL HALLOWEEN! 

HALLOWEEN AND LAWYERS in the same sentence is fodder for a lot of potential humor. But for me, I immediately think of Atticus Finch, the small town southern lawyer in "To Kill a Mockingbird," played by Gregory Peck in the movie.

What a wonderful character Harper Lee created in her only book, which since it's publication in 1960 has never been out of print. He was a great Daddy to Scout and Jem and he defended the innocent black man Jim Robinson, accused of raping a white woman. A lawyer hero he was!

Come Halloween night, Scout was in her school pageant, dressed in a papier mache ham costume. As Jem walked his sister home in the dark, with the wind howling and the tree branches and shadows swaying, they were attacked by the knife-wielding Bob Ewell, father of the woman who was supposedly raped by Jim Robinson. In reality, she was pregnant with her incestuous father's progeny. Boo Radley saved the children. 

That was what I was thinking when I ran across 'legal help needed' ad on Craigslist. It's posted on the website Jerks In Your Area, where they "scour Craigslist to find posts written by or written about the strangest, stupidest, and funniest people out there:

NEED HALLOWEEN LEGAL HELP (GREENPORT)

Every year I put on a Halloween haunted house for my neighborhood. In the past few years, I've really stepped up my game with fake blood, assorted limbs and bones (shins, arms, skulls) and lots of pop up zombies, mock executions, etc. Last year I had a bit of a legal snafu when a kid on my block had a seizure and another had to go to therapy after a bullet squib popped too close to his head. Their parents threatened to sue me and the whole ordeal was a hassle. Anyway, I was thinking that this year there are so many out of work lawyers out there that I could probably get one pretty cheap to come and hang out around the house and keep an eye on things. If another parent gets pissed off or whatever, it would be good to have someone who knows the law. I might also need you to write up a release because this year the guillotine will be real.

I've never really hired a lawyer before so I'm not really sure what they charge but I'm guessing it won't be more than like $18 an hour. If you have one of those insane clown masks that would be really helpful too. 

Location: Greenport Village, Long Island, N.Y.

TO READ OTHER "HALLOWEEN POSTS" CLICK HERE.

TO READ "WHAT ETHICS? KINGS ISLAND PARK PULLS HALLOWEEN DISPLAY OF DEAD CELEB SKELETONS" CLICK HERE.

by Sharon McEachern

 

Cryogenics Tell-All Book: Ted William's Head Repeatedly Abused

To say that Ted Williams would not be happy is an understatement. To say that anyone who finds out what happened to his remains will not be upset and bothered will surely be wrong. I'm so sorry Slugger, our Splendid Splinter, our Red Sox Hall-of-Fame legend.

You certainly did not deserve this treatment. Hopefully, karma will get the creeps who used your frozen head for batting practice.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

But your body, albeit magnificent, is just the earthly shell you use when alive. It's meaning now is symbolic. Even so, most of us in America try to treat human remains respectfully.

Although this summer, we had hundreds of grave desecrations. In Chicago, at the African American Burr Oak Cemetery,  bodies were dug up and thrown in a huge mass grave, so burial plots could be resold. There were hundreds more desecrations in Los Angeles at the Jewish cemetery Eden Memorial Park.(At Ethic Soup, we anticipate many more desecrations will be discovered in the future at cemeteries across the country and Canada.)

CRYONICS SCAM

Mr. Williams, you got caught in a scam with your son's wish to have your body frozen and saved cryogenically so that he could sell your DNA -- even though your wish was to be cremated with your ashes sprinkled over the Florida Keys. After you died, your three children fought over your body and eventually bought into the Alcor scam -- a real beaut. Apparently you and your three kids made a pact together that you would all be frozen, says one of your daughters.

DISGUSTING PEOPLE

How much did Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz. get you to pay them to safely save your body -- in the name of science and the future --  and then beat and abuse it? Disgusting people. 

Cryonics isn't cheap. It can cost up to $150,000 to have your whole body preserved. Then there is the monthly fee of around $400 -- for a long, long time. Several generations is one estimate, for science to catch up.