HELP, HELP ME GRANDMA! THE HEADLESS TURKEY IS CHASING ME!
Turkey neck on the chopping block, toddler crying while Daddy holds down the turkey and Grandpa ready with axe to whack off the turkey's head. Then they walk away, with the head lying in the dirt, leaving the body to walk around forever. Better hope the little girl doesn't get caught in the corner of the fence or she'll be trapped, scared of that damn headless, trotting turkey.
I know. It happened to me. Okay, I was in high school. But every time I started to walk towards Grandma's house in Kansas, where the rest of the family was already ensconced, the turkey would change directions and run right towards me. It had no head. How did it know I was preparing to run -- again?
I screamed and screamed, being the coward that I was. (Oh, alright, I "am." Today, geese in the park where I walk still scare me. They chase you and nip at your ankles. Admit it. You, or someone close to you, runs from geese.) Finally, the family came outside to see what was the matter. They all stood there, in a semi-circle -- the grandparents, Mom and Dad, my brother, aunts and uncles and, worse-of-all, the rafter of cousins -- turkeys all! And they laughed. I'm sure you recognize a scene of extreme humiliation for a teenager.
Come Thanksgiving, most of us, one time or another, imagine what the poor turkeys must feel. Yes, I know that's anthropomorphism (something I thought was a sexual act when a teenager). A very vulnerable time for me. Besides that turkey, chickens had their way with me too. I finally caught on and refused to go out to the chicken yard and watch Grandma wring a chicken's neck -- by hand -- for Sunday dinner. And now, you still won't catch me walking in front of an animal just made headless. Bad things happen to people who do that. That's the stuff Halloween movies are made of.
Sorry, it's just too much work to remove that preposition at the end of the sentence. Deal with it. If you've forgotten, you can see a fun list of single-word English prepositions here.
Back to anthropomorphism. If you were a turkey,having your photo taken for those all-important turkey pin-ups do not get you much sympathy, particularly the close-ups. As evidence, just take a gander at these (Oops, I'm confusing turkeys and geese again):
Ugly, just plain ugly.
Now a photo of Joan Crawford, axe in hand could engender some serious sympathy for the turkey.
No, no, Joan! Leave the turkey alone!
People say that turkeys are dumber than gizzard gravel. But for some reason, people who are around them become fond of the dummies. Turkeys are very interested and curious in human beings -- and they'll follow anyone around.
Excuse me, I think those are ducks, which will also follow anyone, not unlike the voting American public.
I think the very best pictures, which could most likely work to save the turkey, are children's artwork. Kids do not paint ugly turkeys. They love turkeys.
TO READ "A TURKEY'S THANKSGIVING PRAYER," CLICK HERE.
by Sharon McEachern
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